My apologies for the lack of consistency that may be coming, that has already started to prove difficult with my lack of post Thursday; I just wanted to say that in advance. I know that my blogging community here is very kind and patient, and luckily in our “niche” or mental illness, we all understand that sometimes stuff just comes up that throws us off our tracks. Today for #TalkativeTuesday I wanted to go in depth for someone with C-PTSD, which makes creating attachments difficult, who just had a hard time leaving a job. This feeling is so new for me, so I thought I’d share my experience…
As I mentioned in When “Goodbye” is too hard (if you haven’t read it, I highly recommend or this post might not make as much sense), I have recently accepted a new job, and this past Friday was my last “official” day at work. My new company was extremely kind and understanding and are letting me go visit for the kids’ last day, which is their “Field Day” I think is the generic term.
In the past I’ve also mentioned before in a few posts that I have C-PTSD and I’ve mentioned a few things about it (if you want any for reference: Co-morbidity pt 1- CPTSD, My Definition, Co-Morbidity pt 4- Temporary Friendship, Caring for Someone with C-PTSD, HSP & C-PTSD: The Discovery, & Am I Too Guarded?) and it makes it incredibly difficult for me to form “real” attachments in a lot of situations, and part of it for me has always been my jobs. I’ve never fully grown attached to many of my coworkers, at least not in a long-term kind of way. The way I saw my “friends” I worked with was sort of “they’re great, let’s be friends, but once I don’t work there, we probably won’t be,” and I’ve almost always been proven right (with minimal exception, but I’m grateful for those exceptions).
This job, however, leaving was a completely new experience for me. When I knew I’d most likely be getting the offer (I felt a really good vibe at the interview), I was talking with my mom about how I’d tell my boss. I knew it would be hard, as he was the first boss I was not running away from. In my last few, my bosses were a big part of it (though not the part time at the most recent job, just the full time one), and I needed to make sure he knew that I wasn’t taking this job to get away from him or the job. This was a new feeling. Other bosses, I was all but grinning and boasting when I told them I was leaving. This time… I was shaking. I was afraid that if I left, I would lose the love and community I’d found there.
I think his reaction shocked me more than my fear of telling him. I wrote him a letter, as I knew I would be too emotional to speak, as I REALLY loved my job, and having all of this writing experience from my blog, I knew a letter would be my savior. He finished reading my letter, and just grinned at me. He told me he was so happy for me, and he hugged me. I wanted to cry in that moment, because I knew that although he would be sad that I was leaving, he was truly proud of me for doing the right thing for my future. Something I’d been “punished” for in the past.
I’d already told my other immediate coworkers privately, the Friday before; but since my boss had been out of town, I had to wait to tell him before anything was official. I felt the need to tell my ladies around me right away, as I’d realize how attached I’d grown to them as well. I was met with emotion that again, truly shocked me. I was not used to being loved by my coworkers, only used for my talent and/or availability. They were just as sad to see me go as I was to leave. It felt… unreal. I don’t mean to sound self deprecating, I know that there are people somewhere that like me 😉 but getting those responses from coworkers, as I said, was extremely new to me.
After I’d told my immediate coworkers and my boss, I sent out an email to all of the staff. Not as in depth as the one I’d written my boss, but one that explained I absolutely loved my job, and didn’t want to leave, but got an amazing opportunity that would be good for me and would be setting myself up for a good future, and thus I was (sadly) leaving. Again, just constant positive responses of people telling me how happy they were for me, that they would miss me, how wonderful I’d been, helpful, going above and beyond… I swear, I really don’t mean to sound “down on myself” but I have NEVER experienced this much love and positivity in a work environment, especially when it was a response to me doing something good for myself and leaving. They expressed they were sad to know I was leaving, that I wouldn’t be there to greet them, and that my presence would be truly missed, but all were so supportive. So, so new to me. Not to mention the genuine intentions behind them, in ways that were as obvious as flashing neon signs. I was truly overwhelmed in the most positive way.
My last day, as I said, was this past Friday. I’d been telling a few of my regular “parent friends,” especially the ones I saw daily, as I’d no longer be sitting there when they arrived. Quite a few, I’d grown fairly attached to and think that they are amazing, wonderful people. I didn’t tell everyone though. I truthfully NEVER imagined what kind of response I would get Friday. I thought I’d probably get a few cards from kids- especially those I’d worked with over the past three years or so, I thought probably a collective card from my office people… but not even close to what happened.
My coffee table looks like a garden right now from the amount of flowers/plants I received. All beautiful, all thoughtful, all amazing colors that is livening up my dull living room right now. Cards on cards on cards, class sets of cards, random cards from various kids… not only kids, but from a few staff members as well. And gifts. I truly did not expect presents. From my friends/coworkers, a few from parents, too. Quite a few coffee gift cards- as they know me so well. I was STUNNED by the sight of my desk at the end of the day. This wasn’t even all of the cards. There were a couple of piles of those- some came later in the day.
All I could think about that day was how different everything felt from everything I’d experience before. Not only did I feel sad about leaving a building, I felt sad about leaving people. But in this fear, I also found comfort. An overwhelming amount of love, support, and care for me from even some I didn’t expect. I finally felt… safe. I think this is the first time that I am walking away from a job knowing that I’m still more than welcome there. The amount of “come back to see us” and “come visit” messages I got, I was really touched. I know I’d heard it in the past jobs, but it was a formality in their eyes. There didn’t seem to be a genuineness to it; but here, it was just about ALL I felt.
I almost feel like the Grinch, when Cindy Lou Who came; like my heart grew three sizes in one heart beat. I didn’t know it was possible to care so much for so many people in one place and time. Again, my word being overwhelming- but in the most amazing way.
I’m excited to start this new adventure, but I know I’ll hit a roller coaster of emotions over the next week or so, because I think I’m still a little in denial about leaving my old job. I’m going to do my best to get a little pre-writing done, but I know you all will understand if I miss a post or two. So again, I just want to apologize in advance should that happen.
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